the illusionary mourning

Death of a love story is another "droit de passage" into adulthood.

Learning how to grow and develop away from someone that had taken so much space in your life without you realising it, is both painful and scary.
Suddenly what brought meaning to your existence in one space, one time, vanishes.
You end up in tears and terror in your heart & mind, even through your whole body and experience the loss as if someone had died. But someone did. Well several someones. The person you were defined by the one that you left and is now moving forward and is giving love, care and attention to another woman and The person that you are now, facing the void, the desert of extreme loneliness.
The tears and anguish comes certainly from the sudden realisation that there are no other ways than forward. The slow acceptance that you are now no longer in someone's life, but were you even before?.

It is one thing to feel abandoned, betrayed, replaced, but as attractive the familiar is, what was the concept of family and relationship, your memory needs to play its role and not trick you.

What brought you here, alone trying to psych yourself back on track to be prepared for a new life standing alone, your daughter by your side?
Did you ever have what you are now mourning?: a stable relationship with someone you loved and loved you back.
A little universe where both parties tried to keep the fire alive, to be the rock for the other person through all trials that life can throw at them.
To make the other one feel desired and beautiful, inspire confidence and give comfort when you need it.
To feel their commitments if not by asking them to join them in matrimony, in every other way possible?
This is what I craved and now, looking back I remembered blames, money troubles, absence and indefinite silences that could stretch for ever. Apathy and the feeling of duty in terms of passion until disgust and total disappearence of desire.Betrayal and lies, unspoken words that festered and poison your everyday until the cloud of anger and frustration was so thick and all you could hear when it finally exploded is that it was enterely your fault and your inability to be happy.Lack of commitments and projects for two, even for three. and never, ever standing up for you.Not in front of your family and certainly not in front of his. Just a scared man lacking the courage of his "convictions" (if he ever had any beside believing in himself and insuring his well being)

We were different, expressing differently and not listening to one another, living our lives and counting on the other to comply without exchanging, without trying to understand or to know who the other person was, what they wanted.

The long suffering road that starts to end now brought this reflection. Maybe I did not recognise what he tried to do, maybe he never tried to see me.
At the end did we live in the illusion of each other and were at the end not meant to be together.
So why mourn what's to come...have to have another woman taking care of my child part time, swallowing the announce of a marriage or a birth...
What will be, will be.
The road now is entirely mine, I can make it smooth or bumpy for myself, mourn the illusion of a relationship, the believe that someone, somewhere cared, loved would offered his soul for me.
Or rejoice at the open road of possibilities, knowing almost what I want, what I need.
Being honest with myself for once accept that this illusionary mourning is a decoy to distract myself from the real task at end. Make yourself happy by your own means, by loving, accepting, perfecting and reaching the person you are.

This task is entirely mine now.

Betrayal

This bitter taste of ashes that does not seem to want to leave your mouth...the sublte skip of your heart beat and sudden anguish that constrict your heart...it comes with simple words, simple facts.
You want to protect, to please and preserve a relationship a friendship and for the sake of another being you take on the weight of the world so they do not have to blame themselves, so suffer or hurt uselessly....
And then...you realise the worst way possible that all this was vain...the heart you should have preserved was your own because the other person is not ready, inclined, caring enough to show you the same courtesy.
The worsebBetrayal...comes from the one you love the most, the person you cherish, are ready to to throw yourself in front of a train for...the deepest cut comes from the sword you were holding to protect...the only hate comes from the love you felt...
So how do you deal with betrayal...hurt in return...remain silent and measure the frailty of the bond you thought you had forged...the thread was indeed poisoned and went straight to your heart & soul...sullying it, diminishing it, breaking it...
Are you ready to return the gesture...throw back the deadly arrow that you just been maimed with...And what will you achieve...the same destruction that your are suffering...
What will be the point achieved than lowering yourself...this will not bring any changes or satisfaction to the heart of the matter nor placing yourself as a victim.
Distance...forgiveness, compassion...may be the only path to erase the damage done...freeing yourself of the torment placated upon you...telling yourself you are not the one with the chaos inside.
Distance will be the first step...sealing the armor a bit tighter until the healing is complete...dealing not telling yourself it does not matter since it does...your heart, your soul is at stake.
In order to achieve a certain form of peace, you just have to let it go....
That's it, breath...and let go...the rest..TIME will see to it.

I thought I would never be back here...that this blog will go on to a "better" place and join all the other abandoned grayvyard of thoughts, unvisited and forgotten...It comes to mine that I really should use it to edit my creativity and stop mopping about my lack of life has I wish it would be.It is up to me isn't it, to feel a success or a failure...I have a private garden here for my thoughts, my soul, my beliefs and I left it unloved and unattended.
It is time to make the garden blossom and open, time to see the flowers growing out of my mind bloom in thousand vibrant shades and scents.
A fragrant wave to sooth, express, feel even what I cannot in real life. This is a very private garden indeed and I can no longer be the hawk, observing from afar but not getting involved. I do not feel aloof at all, just inadequate, unworthy of attention. But what I really lack is courage. Courage to put myself out there naked and unafraid of the opinion of others.The hawk has set its mind to scream and hunt, to land for a while and observe the real world. Be prepared, I am only getting started here...

How To Be....

"Become Who You Are", Nietzsche's immortal words have been my guide lines for the past months.
I am now on the path to do just that "Know Thyself" is the toughest thing to learn!
One should not feel so small looking up the stars, instead we should feel we are part of them, at all time, holding on for support and comfort and inspiration.
My long journey toward self discovery may leave chaos in its wake, but when you are cleaning house, it always look worse at first then everything falls into place as it finally should.
Browsing along to seek inspiration and search for the hidden treasure that my mind, heart and soul, I have noticed that everyday, in every spot of the Globe, other souls like mine are making themselves bare in front of an unknown audience. Captivating scattered people that they will never meet, by their Art, their writing pieces, their Blog.
I have so many center of interests, that I can actually try sometimes to focus and reserve a place for each and everyone of them.
As this blog is more like a journal, as I doubt that anybody visit, that will be a nice guide work on how I can also order my thoughts.
This sudden need for "order" is not at all related to a personal tidy-up although thoroughly needed!, but more related to my daughter. I am bringing her up in too eclectic surrounding, with too many choices. Therefore she is even more dispersed than I am, being interested in everything at the same time and constantly.
Curiosity is good, but focus is also something to be prized.
The project to dedicate myself to some "Books & Movies" review has been waiting to mature in my head for a long while.
I love reading, " the cheapest vacation you can buy." - Charlaine Harris as I have read from @HappyTwilighter Twitter page. I cannot help but admire people that just simply put themselves out, reaching out to others, just by being themselves!
So this "Book & movie" review should certainly be completed with Arts review and discovery.
This is just not "all talks"...Guess that action are strongest than words so be prepared for my first step out there!

Have a little faith....

I have had a nauseating feeling all week, because I know the "future"is around the corner and somehow I have lost control of it. Not like I trust that we can really controlled our life, at least we can provide a little shape to it...I feel lost and panicked as one could feel at the edge of a cliff, when you know that salvation can only come from the jump, but you are not quite sure if you wish to let go of your stand on solid ground.
But this is just an impression, as the earth beneath your feet has already started to desagregate, your foothold is not so secure, still you delay the moment of the jump. Maybe all I need is FAITH. The whole conversation was based on energy and the power of projected thought - positive ones- the 'leap of faith'.
When we have faith, we feel confident about the outcome of the journey, the goal will be reached, everything will be alright. But at the end, we neglect one small detail: the journey itself. The trip that will take you from here to there, it needs a plan, a vision and a bit of faith! At the end it is really the journey that took your to your destination that counts, not the goal itself.
I have looked back on my journey so far, since I cannot find my goal, not even sure that I had one to begin with, and beside feeling weary, I am not satisfied with the path I have taken.

I started with the idea that I should achieve something with my life, but it was never enough, I was never satisfy because I have yet to find the purpose of my journey.
Self-Accomplishment is the hardest thing we can do.It is hard, require confidence and, for my part, a little faith.
I hold to ideas that allow me to carry on the journey:
-Human nature is profondly good,
-we all have in ourselves the power to achieve miracles,
-We shine when things are at their worst
-Science cannot explain everything (that's my comfort blanket'
-There is still magic in this world
-One day, just One day, I will be who I am supposed to be.

On the verge of a change that will occur, whether you want it or not, you start to think and ponder.
Every start is an opportunity or can be transformed into one, the only mistake I could do is take the 'martyr road'. I have been painfully reminded by a kin (one shot to your heart without breaking the skin!) that I was a pinacle of disappointment, because I have let all the juicy opportunities get passed me...I disappointed them...Did they ever wonder if I had ever disappointed myself?
The bar has been put very high for me from the start,(and I let it be raised that high) causing me to fall constently. I did rise everytime, relentessly, just to be told that it 'just was not good enough'.
I am convinced that a life should be constructed, decision after decisions, with added layers of moments, emotions, creations...there is no good or bad path, just choices.
Each choices making a branch, another possibility, leaving all the other in the dark, unformed, but not inexistent.
At the end, it will be the beauty of the tree that will be looked at.

My tree of life does not comfort me. I have lived every moment as a duty, not taking the time to savour it, to live it. It was all work, submission, keeping my head down and work hard to satisfy other people's dreams, to reach evrybody else expectations.
I am anonymous in the mass, not famous, admired or read, just a person trying to fit in, regardless if I will it or not.

What if I just could take flight, break the convention and exist as I want to be? Broke all the taboos and restrains that I have created aroud me for the convenience of all but me. Let the beast inside sing and dance and enjoy life for once: selfishly.

We tend to forget that life is one opportunity, we can make everything of it, but live it miserably. Life can be a cookie filled with layers of dreams, nighmares, hope, Love and betrayal, but whatever you do, you still have to eat it...might as well make the degustation the more pleasurable as possible.

HOW NSPIRED DO YOU WANT TO BE? by David Hawken

Just read that post RT'ed on Twitter by @inspiredm via Andy Wright and I just spend the rest of the day thinking about it...These are just true and right to the point words and they have the merit to be eloquent...Take some time to read them, understand them and think...let yourself be inspired too...

Commencement Address by Paul Hawken, University of Portland, May 3rd,
2009

" When I was invited to give this speech, I was asked if I could give a
simple short talk that was “direct, naked, taut, honest, passionate,
lean, shivering, startling, and graceful.” Boy, no pressure there.

But let’s begin with the startling part. Hey, Class of 2009: you are
going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth
at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of
decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation - but not
one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute
that statement.

Basically, the earth needs a new operating system, you are the
programmers, and we need it within a few decades.

This planet came with a set of operating instructions, but we seem to
have misplaced them. Important rules like don’t poison the water,
soil, or air, and don’t let the earth get overcrowded, and don’t touch
the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that
spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue
that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per
hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really
good food - but all that is changing.

There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will
receive, and in case you didn’t bring lemon juice to decode it, I can
tell you what it says: YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING. The
earth couldn’t afford to send any recruiters or limos to your school.
It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and
that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And
here’s the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not
possible in the time required. Don’t be put off by people who know
what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it
was impossible only after you are done.

When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my
answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is
happening on earth and aren’t pessimistic, you don’t understand data.
But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and
the lives of the poor, and you aren’t optimistic, you haven’t got a
pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing
to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore
some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet
Adrienne Rich wrote, “So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot
with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary
power, reconstitute the world.” There could be no better description.
Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action
is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses,
companies, refuge camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums.

You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups
and organizations are working on the most salient issues of our day:
climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger,
conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the
world has ever seen.

Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it
strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it
works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one
knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and
meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea,
not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants,
businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government
workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers,
weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders,
grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United
States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the
Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way.

There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and
the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is
true. Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may
befall us; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress,
reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. “One day you
finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around
you kept shouting their bad advice,” is Mary Oliver’s description of
moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to
the living world.

Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the
evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of
strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific
eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to
create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those
they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance
except on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely
unknown - Granville Clark, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood - and
their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of
four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what
human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was
greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the
abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and
activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive
England into poverty. But for the first time in history a group of
people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from
whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit. And today
tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world
of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, and
non-governmental organizations, of companies who place social and
environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope
and scale of this effort is unparalleled in history.

The living world is not “out there” somewhere, but in your heart. What
do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life
creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no
better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of
abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned
people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed
regulators on how to save failed assets. Think about this: we are the
only species on this planet without full employment. Brilliant. We
have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in
real time than to renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money
to bail out a bank but you can’t print life to bail out a planet. At
present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and
calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an
economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We
can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the
future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And
whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold
suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way
to be rich.

The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago,
and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally
you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by
Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our
fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is
to become two cells. In each of you are one quadrillion cells, 90
percent of which are not human cells. Your body is a community, and
without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each
human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes
between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human
body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one
with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has
undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the
universe - exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science
would discover that each living creature was a “little universe,
formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute
and as numerous as the stars of heaven.”

So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body?
Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on
simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore
it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. Second question: who
is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully
not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are
conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. What I want
you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a 20 deep
innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the
past.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came
out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of
course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be
ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead the
stars come out every night, and we watch television.

This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and
the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened,
not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as
complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done
great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring
creation. You are graduating to the most amazing, challenging,
stupefying challenge ever bequested to any generation. The generations
before you failed. They didn’t stay up all night. They got distracted
and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your
existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn’t ask for
a better boss. The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic,
not the dreamer. Hopefulness only makes sense when it doesn’t make
sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your
life depends on it.”

By Paul Hawken

A SURREALIST JOURNEY

Local Artists exhibition this week...Discoverd a new world through oter people's eyes, mind and work. This scultpure capture so well in may ways the essence of man...Nature reveales it to the world, and the face (mind, sould) is encapsulated in that wired body...an armour for the soul, a Temple for its light within.

This is the work of local French artist C Meyer....