Have a little faith....

I have had a nauseating feeling all week, because I know the "future"is around the corner and somehow I have lost control of it. Not like I trust that we can really controlled our life, at least we can provide a little shape to it...I feel lost and panicked as one could feel at the edge of a cliff, when you know that salvation can only come from the jump, but you are not quite sure if you wish to let go of your stand on solid ground.
But this is just an impression, as the earth beneath your feet has already started to desagregate, your foothold is not so secure, still you delay the moment of the jump. Maybe all I need is FAITH. The whole conversation was based on energy and the power of projected thought - positive ones- the 'leap of faith'.
When we have faith, we feel confident about the outcome of the journey, the goal will be reached, everything will be alright. But at the end, we neglect one small detail: the journey itself. The trip that will take you from here to there, it needs a plan, a vision and a bit of faith! At the end it is really the journey that took your to your destination that counts, not the goal itself.
I have looked back on my journey so far, since I cannot find my goal, not even sure that I had one to begin with, and beside feeling weary, I am not satisfied with the path I have taken.

I started with the idea that I should achieve something with my life, but it was never enough, I was never satisfy because I have yet to find the purpose of my journey.
Self-Accomplishment is the hardest thing we can do.It is hard, require confidence and, for my part, a little faith.
I hold to ideas that allow me to carry on the journey:
-Human nature is profondly good,
-we all have in ourselves the power to achieve miracles,
-We shine when things are at their worst
-Science cannot explain everything (that's my comfort blanket'
-There is still magic in this world
-One day, just One day, I will be who I am supposed to be.

On the verge of a change that will occur, whether you want it or not, you start to think and ponder.
Every start is an opportunity or can be transformed into one, the only mistake I could do is take the 'martyr road'. I have been painfully reminded by a kin (one shot to your heart without breaking the skin!) that I was a pinacle of disappointment, because I have let all the juicy opportunities get passed me...I disappointed them...Did they ever wonder if I had ever disappointed myself?
The bar has been put very high for me from the start,(and I let it be raised that high) causing me to fall constently. I did rise everytime, relentessly, just to be told that it 'just was not good enough'.
I am convinced that a life should be constructed, decision after decisions, with added layers of moments, emotions, creations...there is no good or bad path, just choices.
Each choices making a branch, another possibility, leaving all the other in the dark, unformed, but not inexistent.
At the end, it will be the beauty of the tree that will be looked at.

My tree of life does not comfort me. I have lived every moment as a duty, not taking the time to savour it, to live it. It was all work, submission, keeping my head down and work hard to satisfy other people's dreams, to reach evrybody else expectations.
I am anonymous in the mass, not famous, admired or read, just a person trying to fit in, regardless if I will it or not.

What if I just could take flight, break the convention and exist as I want to be? Broke all the taboos and restrains that I have created aroud me for the convenience of all but me. Let the beast inside sing and dance and enjoy life for once: selfishly.

We tend to forget that life is one opportunity, we can make everything of it, but live it miserably. Life can be a cookie filled with layers of dreams, nighmares, hope, Love and betrayal, but whatever you do, you still have to eat it...might as well make the degustation the more pleasurable as possible.