the illusionary mourning

Death of a love story is another "droit de passage" into adulthood.

Learning how to grow and develop away from someone that had taken so much space in your life without you realising it, is both painful and scary.
Suddenly what brought meaning to your existence in one space, one time, vanishes.
You end up in tears and terror in your heart & mind, even through your whole body and experience the loss as if someone had died. But someone did. Well several someones. The person you were defined by the one that you left and is now moving forward and is giving love, care and attention to another woman and The person that you are now, facing the void, the desert of extreme loneliness.
The tears and anguish comes certainly from the sudden realisation that there are no other ways than forward. The slow acceptance that you are now no longer in someone's life, but were you even before?.

It is one thing to feel abandoned, betrayed, replaced, but as attractive the familiar is, what was the concept of family and relationship, your memory needs to play its role and not trick you.

What brought you here, alone trying to psych yourself back on track to be prepared for a new life standing alone, your daughter by your side?
Did you ever have what you are now mourning?: a stable relationship with someone you loved and loved you back.
A little universe where both parties tried to keep the fire alive, to be the rock for the other person through all trials that life can throw at them.
To make the other one feel desired and beautiful, inspire confidence and give comfort when you need it.
To feel their commitments if not by asking them to join them in matrimony, in every other way possible?
This is what I craved and now, looking back I remembered blames, money troubles, absence and indefinite silences that could stretch for ever. Apathy and the feeling of duty in terms of passion until disgust and total disappearence of desire.Betrayal and lies, unspoken words that festered and poison your everyday until the cloud of anger and frustration was so thick and all you could hear when it finally exploded is that it was enterely your fault and your inability to be happy.Lack of commitments and projects for two, even for three. and never, ever standing up for you.Not in front of your family and certainly not in front of his. Just a scared man lacking the courage of his "convictions" (if he ever had any beside believing in himself and insuring his well being)

We were different, expressing differently and not listening to one another, living our lives and counting on the other to comply without exchanging, without trying to understand or to know who the other person was, what they wanted.

The long suffering road that starts to end now brought this reflection. Maybe I did not recognise what he tried to do, maybe he never tried to see me.
At the end did we live in the illusion of each other and were at the end not meant to be together.
So why mourn what's to come...have to have another woman taking care of my child part time, swallowing the announce of a marriage or a birth...
What will be, will be.
The road now is entirely mine, I can make it smooth or bumpy for myself, mourn the illusion of a relationship, the believe that someone, somewhere cared, loved would offered his soul for me.
Or rejoice at the open road of possibilities, knowing almost what I want, what I need.
Being honest with myself for once accept that this illusionary mourning is a decoy to distract myself from the real task at end. Make yourself happy by your own means, by loving, accepting, perfecting and reaching the person you are.

This task is entirely mine now.